Three Aspirin for the Road to Hell
by samantilles
Summary: Daniel whumping... need I say any more? I don't think so.


I'm a horrific fan of Dannywhumping. This is just a guilty pleasure of mine... ebillaugh

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, in any way, shape, or form. I just enjoy torturing them once in a while. They belong to Gekko, RDA, and a whole bunch of people much wealthier than I am.

Title: Three Aspirin for the Road to Hell  
Author: samantilles  
Word Count: 2274  
Category: Humor, Parody

* * *

"Ow!" Daniel gasped and shook his left hand vigorously in the evening air, dropping his journal to the ground.

"Daniel, are you okay?" Sam had appeared next to his side in what seemed way too fast to be physically possible, her hand fawning to reach his like a crazed mother over her crying child. "Colonel, this looks bad! Quick! Bring the med kit!"

"The med kit? Sam, I'm fine! It's just a paper cut! I get them all the time!" Daniel attempted to retrieve his arm from Sam's grip, but he found himself shoved to the ground instead.

"Daniel, lie down, you're losing a lot of blood here!" Sam shuffled closer to Daniel's head and placed a frigid hand on his forehead. "Sir! He's running a temperature!! This cut must be infected already!"

Before Daniel knew it, he had a second hand on his forehead, and Jack gave him an anguished look. "Daniel, do you think you can make it back to the gate on your own two feet?" Daniel gave him an angered and bewildered look. "Make it back to the gate, are you crazy!? It's a frickin' paper cut!! I get them all the time!"

"Daniel, this is no time to be modest about your injury! Give me a number, Daniel." _Have Jack and Sam lost their minds!?_ Daniel thought incredulously. "A number, Jack? How about a zero? Look, you can't even tell its there anymore!" Daniel waved his finger in Jack's face angrily.

"Carter, do whatever you need to calm him down! We're out of here in 30 minutes." Jack flipped on his radio and clicked it repeatedly. "Teal'c, get back here and help me pack up camp! Daniel's injured. He needs to get back to Frasier as soon as possible. I'm scrubbing the mission!"

Daniel was too focused on Jack to realize that Sam had pulled out a large hypodermic needle and was preparing his arm for injection. Once the alcohol from the sterile wipe began to cool his skin, he returned his focus to her. He jumped back at the vision of the needle closing in on his bicep. "Whoa, Sam, what are you doing? Get away from me!"

"Colonel! I need your help, he's becoming agitated!" Sam called out anxiously as she crept forward more to get in reach of Daniel's arm once again. "Daniel, you must be in a lot of pain right now. This will help."

"SAM! Stop it! I don't need anything! LET GO O…OOF MMMEEE!" A good tug on his arm, and Daniel was stumbling back onto his feet, only to fall backwards over a log and once again onto his back, his head thumping against a very soft tuft of grass. The fall was so soft he didn't even have to catch his breath afterwards or rub his head.

Sam stood still, shocked at the fall Daniel took before shouting out again to her commanding officer. "Colonel, Daniel's unconscious!" _Unconscious?!_ Daniel wondered again as he pulled his chin to his chest to look at the campsite. Sam and Jack were running towards him, med packs in their hands. Daniel thumped his head back against the ground in disbelief. _What the hell is wrong with them?!_

"Daniel, buddy, I really need you to calm down. Carter will take good care of you until we get you back to the base. Come on, buddy, stay with me!" Jack was holding Daniel's shoulder down to the ground while tapping Daniel's cheek with the other hand. Sam quickly stuck Daniel with a needle full of morphine; the warmth from the painkillers soaked in and seeped up his arm and into his chest. He could have sworn he saw a tear glisten in Sam's eye as she softly pushed an open canteen up to Daniel's mouth and cradled his head for a better position. "It'll be okay Daniel! Shhhh!" Sam took the opportunity to remove Daniel's glasses and carefully pack them in a vest pocket.

The morphine mercilessly took Daniel away from consciousness and he arouse as he heard his teammates' voices in conversation directly above him. "How do you propose getting DanielJackson back to the gate, O'Neill?" _Finally Teal'c arrived!_ Surely he will realize Daniel's paper cut was not an injury to worry about. The morphine on the other hand, left Daniel a little spacey. _Surely, Sam didn't give me the entire dose; I'd still be passed out. Thank heavens! _A slight headache from the unnecessary medications began to radiate from behind Daniel's eyes, but it wasn't anything a good nap and two aspirin couldn't handle. Daniel sat up on his elbows and preparing himself to get up on his feet when he was violently shoved back to the ground by Jack. "Daniel, keep your ass on the ground! Look, you're too injured to get back to the gate yourself; it's too far for you to walk in your condition. So sit tight and we'll get you back as soon as we can!"

"Jack, my condition?! It's a PAPER CUT! And it's only a quarter mile to the gate! Downhill! I walk farther to go get lunch from my labs than the distance to the gate! What the hell is wrong with you! Let me go, and I'll gladly walk back to the gate to get off this damned planet!"

As Daniel struggled under the weight of Jack and Teal'c pressure to keep him down, Jack called back out to Sam, who was packing the last of her and Daniel's things. "Carter, are you sure you gave him enough morphine? He's thrashing about over here!"

Sam left the unzippered bag next to the fire and jogged back to Daniel's position. "Sir, I only gave him half of the dose, hoping he might be up to walking the distance. He's always been insistent to make it back to the gate on his own power in the past."

"I can make it back to the gate just fine!" Daniel interrupted. "I'm FINE!"

"You're not fine, Daniel, so don't give me that crap! Carter?" Jack shoved Daniel back on the ground and suddenly he had a look on his face that he might just tie Daniel up if he struggled any more.

"I don't know, sir. He must be delusional from the fever setting in!" Sam's hand was still freezing cold when she laid it a second time on Daniel's forehead.

"We can wait no longer O'Neill. Every moment we wait, DanielJackson's condition worsens!" _Teal'c? Surely you can see I'm fine? It's a paper cut!_ Daniel huffed in disbelief and thudded his head repeatedly against the ground in annoyance. "Oh my god! Daniel's seizing!" Sam cried out in reaction. He stopped immediately and glared at her in disbelief. Fortunately, Daniel was immediately relieved from Sam's care as Teal'c hurriedly pulled Daniel into a standing position and then threw him over his shoulder. Daniel tried kicking, but he was no match for Teal'c's strong hold on him. With his bottom much higher than his head, the blood rushed quickly and that slightly nagging headache intensified as he was bumpily rushed down the hill and towards the gate. Instead of fighting it any longer, Daniel decided that Frasier would be able to realize it was his teammates and not him that needed a visit to the infirmary. The gate swooshed open and he overheard Jack calling for a med team to the gate room before he and Sam stepped through the event horizon.

Daniel's stomach churned a bit as he re-emerged in the gate room. Of all the positions he'd exited out of the gate in, the fireman's carry was not one of them. He heard repeated metal thumping as both Teal'c continued at a jog down the ramp and medical personnel ran up to meet him. It was nauseating as he was flipped onto the gurney rather rapidly. _Someone could really get whiplash that way._ Frasier came into focus as she dangled in front of him before she peeled open his eyes and shown a bright penlight into them. "Janet, you've got to listen to me! I'm fine! Really!"

Janet did no such thing. Instead, Janet acted like Daniel was completely unconscious and unresponsive, calling out for vitals and various readings as they raced down the SGC corridors towards the infirmary. Sam was running next to them explaining about the horrific injury on his finger, the nasty concussion he received, the fever that was burning him dry from the inside out, and the seizures that overcame him just before they returned to base. She even suspected spinal damage from the fall he took, but she explained they had no option but to carry him back immediately. They simply couldn't wait for a stretcher team to immobilize Daniel and carry him back.

Daniel tried taking all this in and started manically laughing. This was too unbelievable to actually be happening to him! His laughter was met with Janet's strong arm pulling his head back as far as it would go while shoving a rather uncomfortable tube down his throat. Daniel struggled with this, choking on the tube as it forced itself further and further down. "Give him another dose of morphine, stat! I can't get the tube in while he's thrashing around in pain folks!" Janet was just as crazy as his team was! Another puncture in his arm indicated he was given a full dose of morphine this time, and Daniel succumbed to the powerful drug.

Daniel woke to the familiar beeping of a heart monitor and the harsh dry air being pushed into his nose and mouth with an oxygen mask. His entire left arm was bandaged up in white gauze and several IV lines snaked out from his right arm. _What the hell?_ He quickly pulled the mask down to his neck and worked to get into a sitting position. _This is total nonsense!_ His heart monitor betrayed him however when it started screeching loudly at the quickening of his heart rate and Janet rushed in beside him.

"Daniel, just relax! You've been through a terrible ordeal!" Daniel stared back at Janet and in realization that she too has gone the same way as his team; he closed his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows. "Daniel honey, I need you to look at me! Can you tell me how many fingers I'm holding up?" Daniel sighed and decided he had no choice but to play along in this silly charade. Janet though, took the sigh a bit differently. "Oh, of course you can't… you must be blind without your glasses! Oh, where did the orderly put them?"

As Janet began to search from side to side, Daniel spoke up. "Two, Janet! You were holding up two fingers! I can see you just fine Janet! What the hell is going on here?" Janet turned back to him, this time with an angry glare on her face. "You better calm down before I have to sedate you again! You are extremely ill, Daniel! Your fever just broke not to long ago, but obviously you're still delusional! Now you put your head down and rest or I will take any action I deem necessary!" Janet replaced the oxygen mask over Daniel's face and stormed away, throwing the curtain shut around Daniel's infirmary bed.

Daniel fell back against the pillow and curled into himself. If he couldn't convince anyone he was perfectly healthy, what were his other options? Maybe he could just wait it out? Or annoy the nurses that they'd have to let him go? Be a super great patient and get on Janet's good side? But Daniel's musings were cut short when he overheard General Hammond's conversation with Janet concerning on young archaeologist. "I don't know sir; he's not reacting well to the medications we've been giving him. That infection from the injury to his hand is holding strong. I think we need to amputate it in order to win this one, sir!" Hammond audibly sighed, but responded solemnly. "Do what you need to do, Doctor."

_What!! Amputate!! It's a paper cut!! _ _This is getting out of hand here!_ _Oh, no! This _"is not happening"! Daniel's thoughts became audible as he quickly started throwing the blankets off the bed and easing the IV's out of his arm. He leapt out of the bed, causing the metal IV pole to fall and crash. Two orderlies swiftly jumped into action, and one pushed his head forward into the bed and pulled his right arm behind his back, securing him from causing any more harm to innocent IV poles or himself. "Daniel, STOP IT! You're only going to injure yourself further! You'll feel much better after we amputate that infected arm of yours!!" Janet was holding a large saw blade in her hands, the other orderly holding his left arm out, about to be sacrificed. Daniel thrashed and squirmed under the pressure of the first orderly. "No, this can't be happening! Janet!! Stop it!! Its just a PAPER CUT!!"

"NOOO!" Daniel screamed as he awoke, bent over his worktable. His head throbbed as he tried to catch his breath. He searched around the room frantically to make sure he was actually in his lab. _Wow. That was way too real!_ He took a couple of minutes to relax and slow his breathing down, taking a good sip of stale coffee and rubbing his temples. He pulled his left hand in front of him and stared at the small peach Band-Aid on his index finger and sighed in relief. _This is so the last time I take three aspirin for a headache and a paper cut!_


End file.
